Such was life aboard the Romanian-owned Oltenita, which carried my wife and me up the Danube, from the Black Sea to Vienna, in the summer of 1977.
Back then, European river cruising was virtually unheard of on this side of the Atlantic. Now it's among the fastest-growing segments of the travel industry. Most of today's vessels were purpose-built, the newer ones boasting balconies and floor-to-ceiling windows. And passengers needn't worry about uniformed men poking under their beds.
Input for this column came mainly from folks who've done this type of cruise and Jeremy Van Dyke of Jerry Van Dyke Travel in Cambridge. That firm has been selling European river cruises longer than anyone in Canada, and Jeremy spent 10 summers working on them.
The reasons for river cruising's appeal include:
Passenger numbers are small, creating a more intimate atmosphere. Embarkation and disembarkation is quicker and there's less congestion at points of interest ashore. The vessels the travellers I talked to used carried no more than 110 passengers, but some accommodate nearly 200.
The water's calm, so there's little chance of getting seasick .
You unpack and pack only once during the trip.
The pace is easy - no getting up early to get on your tour bus.
You travel on scenic and historic routes that were once the highways of Europe.
There's a big choice in trip duration - from a few days to a month.
When Jerry Van Dyke Travel started selling these cruises in 1988, Jeremy estimates there were 25 boats operating, most, if not all, owned by Dutch families. Today there are more than 250, with players as big as Globus involved.
The Rhine and the Danube are the best-known routes, but boats ply several others, such as the Po in northern Italy, the Douro in northern Spain and Portugal, and France's Rhone.
The more choices, the tougher it is to pick the right cruise. So what questions should you? Start with these:
1. How big is the ship?
Until the 1990s, Jeremy explained, most ships were less than 100 metres long. Now 135 metres is more common. Some have three decks instead of two, and a deeper draft.
He says the larger the ship, the more likely it is get stuck under low bridges at high water - there are 127 low bridges between Budapest and Amsterdam - or grounded in low water, a growing problem now that summers are hotter.
2. What's included in the price? Look at shore excursions and tipping.
A friend enjoyed his first river cruise so much, he booked another. Tipping was been included on the first, but not on the second, even though it was about 50% more expensive.
"We were dinged several times a day to tip the shore guide, the bus driver . . . .,'' he complained. "And then at the end they told us that a very substantial gratuity would be appropriate for all the members of the ship's crew."
3. Does the ship travel at night?
Jeremy estimates 60% to 70% do, meaning passengers miss a good deal of scenery. The ship his family's firm charters, the Da Vinci, doesn't cruise overnight.
Mail can be sent to Doug English, c/o London Free Press, P.O.E. Box 2280, London, Ont. N6A 4G1; faxes to 519-672-1824.
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