But it is a sadly inadequate explanation. Trust me. Because for a fabulous week or so, my assignment was to experience the tastes of the Florida Keys, and I gave it my all. From raw bars to elegant dining rooms, from exclusive resorts to pubs named for the exhalations of barnyard animals, from Cuban to fusion, I sampled the food and drink found in the Keys.
The result is this, an entirely subjective and not nearly exhaustive survey of great places to eat in the Keys. Are there less than great places, too? Sure -- but I've opted not to waste my time even referring to them. What I can promise is every one of the many eateries mentioned here are something special.
First, some geography: The Florida Keys begin south of Homestead and Florida City. One road -- Hwy. 1, also called the Overseas Highway -- links the islands of the Keys via long bridges over the ocean. The drive is leisurely, and enthralling.
Our survey of dining experiences includes restaurants from Key Largo, in the north, all the way to the southernmost point in the continental U.S.A, Key West.
The most intriguing place to stay for a few nights is Key West. It offers unending entertainment, dozens of places to eat, drink and party, and lots of other attractions, from Conch Train rides to sunset ceremonies at Mallory Sq. But there are adventures and attractions all along Hwy. 1 through the Keys, and lots of restaurants worth the stop.
FISH JOINTS
We will sample some "fine dining" before we're through, but there are plenty of locals who insist the finest dining in the Keys can be found in the dozens of crab shacks, fish houses and raw bars. Many of these are inexpensive -- even cheaper during happy hour, when the raw bar is on sale, and drinks are two for one.
Maybe the best I've found is the Keys Fisheries, in Marathon, where you eat at rustic tables on a dock, and where you order at a window. One person recommending the place said, "It's phenomenal. Not fancy but great." Spot on.
You have to watch carefully for Keys Fisheries, which is off the main highway, on the Gulf side (your right as you drive toward Key West). The parking lot will be full.
Manager Jennifer Lint admits, "I don't know how people find this place. We don't even advertise. It's gotta be the food."
Yep, it's the food, fabulous seafood of every kind, with their famous "Lobster Reuben" leading the pack.
Also on the hand-written menu posted beside the order window are such wonders as coconut shrimp, stone crab soup, key lime scallops, macadamian crusted grouper, and dozens of other items.
Key West is packed with waterfront seafood restaurants. I always hit the Half Shell Raw Bar on the old harbour. The walk to the restaurant is a delight in itself, past sailing ships, souvenir shops, and other off-beat tourist attractions.
If you visit the Half Shell, try to get a waterfront table. You won't just be on the water, you'll be above it, and can watch a parade of sea creatures swim past.
PUBS
Key West is the place for pubs. Many have their own (maybe even true) stories -- connections with Ernest Hemingway, Tennessee Williams or Jimmy Buffet. The only thing they all have in common is, you will inevitably hear some odd version of Buffet's Margaritaville by the end of the evening -- country, reggae, folk, rock, blues, maybe even hip-hop. Most are pretty bad.
Do pub crawl, but don't do it for the food. There are a few "local beers" worth a taste: Key West Sunset Ale and Key West Golden Lager are both good. If you're pubbing, visit the Hog's Breath Saloon. On a good night, the music and the ambience are perfect; on a bad one (the crowd varies), well there are plenty of other bars in town.
SEASIDE DINING
Dining on a deck overlooking the ocean, or even better, right on the beach is a special event in the Keys. Again, there are lots of options.
We discovered Morada Bay Beach Cafe (in Islamorada) by accident. We intended to dine at its adjacent sister restaurant, Pierre's, but it was closed, and instead we enjoyed the terrific on-the-beach experience at Morada Bay.
It's moderately priced (entrees $24-$33) but the food is exquisite. We had coconut-crusted yellowtail snapper and carmelized jumbo sea scallops. The extensive menu also offers plenty of non-fishy choices. The service on the sand is exceptional.
One of the most venerable waterside eateries is Marker 88 Restaurant (mile markers on Hwy. 1 indicate locations and this place is 88 miles from Key West). The food in this Islamorada establishment is not cheap but always excellent. And on a beautiful evening, dining on the sand under the stars with a guy playing guitar will make a romantic, if not a gourmet, out of anyone.
Further north, we stumbled upon Chef Lupe's Mandalay, at the Mariner's Resort Villas in Key Largo. We were staying at the Mariner's Resort (and would again), and met some friends at the Mandalay.
This waterfront restaurant does a fine job of everything -- including conch chowder. Plus there are some nice surprises from Chef Lupe.
CUBAN
Key West has strong Cuban connections and some great Cuban restaurants. I'd always opt for El Meson De Pepe, often referred to as "the Cuban restaurant." There really is a Pepe, he's owned the place for decades, and his son was our waiter this time.
You can eat inside or on a covered patio, which comes with friendly cats and maybe even a few of Key West's famous free-range chickens. The food is fantastic and authentically Cuban. You may need advice from your server to select from100 options, all in Spanish.
For beverages, go with beer. Cuba-U.S. issues preclude serving Cuban beer but you'll do fine with Presidente (Dominican Republic) or Negra Modelo (Mexico).
SOMETHING SPECIAL
For the ultimate Keys experience, make a reservation to dine on Little Palm Island, accessible only by water from Little Torch Key (Mile Marker 28.5). Little Palm Island -- the entire Key is the resort -- is the epitome in luxury, whether you come for lunch, for the famous Sunday brunch, or to stay in one of only 30 suites served by 100 staff members. Lodging runs a thousand dollars and up per night.
So how's the food? It's exceptional, served in the restaurant or on the patio or in intimate, linen-laid settings by the sea or -- what you want, you get. The same applies to the menu, which seems to be more suggestions than anything firm. ("Would you like something else? Just ask, sir.")
We dined on the patio, with a 180 degree view of the ocean and the chance to see 100 different species of birds, or some of the Key Deer that swim to the island every day. We didn't choose the hot dog, but we could have -- a Kobe Beef hot dog in a home-made sesame bun, for $19.
Is Little Palm outrageous? Sure. It's also immensely seductive. Of course that could describe everything in the Florida Keys.
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IF YOU GO TO THE FLORIDA KEYS
- A Key West favourite of mine is Abbondanza Italian Restaurant. The food is good, and the motto, irresistible -- "Make Love; Eat Pasta." A new find is Nine One Five, named for its address on Duval St.
- We stayed at the excellent Ocean Key Resort and Spa in Key West, oceankeyresort.com. For travel info, see visitflorida.com/canada.
Roadside Littering Down in PEI
